Mysteriously Injured Penguin

Last night I was riding my bike around Uptown Dallas when I spotted a man dressed in a white tuxedo jacket, black pants & bow tie lying on his back in the middle of Cole Avenue.

I stopped and asked him if he was alright. He slowly opened his eyes and mumbled something unintelligible. “Ah, drunk,” I thought. It appeared I had woken him from some kind of blackout. I asked him if he was able to move since he was lying in the middle of a busy street.

“Yeah,” he said. He tried to get up but struggled and collapsed.

“Come on,” I said, “you’ll get squashed out here.”

“Yeah. Yeah.”

At this point I began to wonder if he was suicidal.

“Do you need my help to get up?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He reached out his hand, but instead of grabbing mine, he laid down again. His glasses were about four feet away from his head. I picked them up as he started to move.

“Hey. I got your glasses,” I said.

He took them from me and as he raised his head I noticed there was a pool of blood on the pavement beneath him. I surveyed the area more closely and saw there was more blood sprayed across the asphalt. A noticeable wound covered most of the backside of his scalp.

“Whoa. You’re bleeding badly. I’m calling for help.”

I pulled out my cellphone and began to call the paramedics, but at this very moment a police car approached the scene. I flagged the officer down & I explained to him that I had just found this guy bleeding and incoherent. The officer took control of the situation, thanked me, and I took off.

My mind ran wild thinking of all the scenarios that would leave a well-dressed man in such terrible condition in the middle of the road. Was he merely intoxicated and clumsy? The amount of blood suggested something a little more violent. Was he beaten and left this way? Was he hit by a car? Was he thrown from a car? Was he shot?

I honestly couldn’t tell you.




The Future of Blogs

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of blogs containing posts about the future of blogging. And the outlook ain’t good, my friends. Many are forecasting the end of blogging altogether. This really bums me out.

Apparently blogs are becoming obsolete. You know, like VHS, or the dinosaur, or the heterosexual. Yesterday’s news. Old hat. People are abandoning them left and right in favor of short-form social networking tools like twitter and friendfeed. Yes I’m on both, which would have been very apparent to you, had you clicked those links. Both services have their strengths (fun for 5 minutes) and weaknesses (waste of time) but I don’t think either is a substitute for long-form posts like this.

No no. I use these little internet toys in such a way that could never ever ever replace the long-winded nothingness that belongs here. I use twitter to poop dumb, little shits. And I use friendfeed like a litter box, collecting all my little shits and other people’s little shits too.

Now some of you are thinking I must have it all figured out. Hahaha! Well, yes! Yes, I do, but that’s not the point because I am still very unhappy.

You see, I am thinking about the future, dude. The future of blogs. I just can’t imagine a world without them. If every last blogger jumps ship, just think of all the valuable information we won’t be privileged to. Bloggers, I implore you, don’t abandon your post. The world needs you. I need you.




The Great Escape

[editor's note: This post has been drastically altered in order to preserve the author's self-respect.]

After 9 months in Dallas I’ve become extraordinarily powerful. Let’s take a look, shall we? Here’s what I’ve accomplished so far.

+’s: I earned A’s for effort at this prestigious institution, rode my bike eleventy billion miles & reconnected with my family.

I also fought crime, solved dozens of mysteries, rescued too many damsels to count, and cured most known diseases, communicable and non.

Did I mention the hole in the ozone layer? No, I did not. There’s a reason for that: I patched it.

But unfortunately, living in Dallas for the second time has somehow left me uninspired, apathetic, and lonely. I imagine most superheroes must experience this from time to time. So I must leave and find a new city to save.

I will announce my plans for departure as they develop but I’ll be in TX for an indeterminate amount of time, rescuing screaming ladies and frightened kittens alike.




Selzzup Devlos fo Nruter Eht

I’ve been working crossword puzzles like a madman. By far, my favorite has been/is/will forever be Inkwell.
This week’s Inkwell, Theme Theme. solved:




The Damage


The result of flipping over my bars after hitting an obstruction in the road. I actually landed on my head. My helmet prevented any visible damage although I’m fairly sure I suffered a concussion.




Instant Solutions

As I finished eating the fresh baked ziti last night, I encountered a problem. How was I to preserve the freshness of the leftovers? I tore apart my kitchen searching for the answer. No luck.

Then a light bulb flashed a few inches above my head. I was in the pantry and the light is situated rather low on the wall. Anyway, there was no foil.

So I rushed to my computer. I find that whenever life hands me a problem I can’t solve on my own, God chimes in with a solution via email:

Hello Madams/Sirs,
Thank you for taking attention to this message.

We are a Sino-Foreign joint venture, specializes in manufacturing and exporting household aluminium foil and aluminium foil container. We export to France, Spain, Germany, Russia, Japan, USA, Italy, Norway mainly. If you need our product, please do not hasitate to contact us.

Best regards
Ms Hailen - Ningbo Xinshidai Aluminum Foil Co., Ltd.

Holy shit! If I’m not taking attention incorrectly, they ship to the USA! Even though we’re no Norway, I did not hasitate to write them. I placed an order for one Ningbo Xinshidai aluminum foil container to keep my ziti fresh. And now I wait.

And wait…

And… wait, what’s that? (knocking at the door)

PRESTO!




Sweetest Tweets

This is the first collection of my favorite tweets. This series is geared toward the type of g’blah reader that refuses to sign up for twitter. I honestly don’t blame you. For about a week, I had a daily digest automatically posting itself here, but I quickly realized that there was way too much “filler” and not enough “killer.”

So here in “Sweetest Tweets” I’ll provide the highlights. Believe me, it was quite difficult sifting through my own mound of overflowing genius/shit, but I’m doing this because g’blah readers demand quality, not quantity. Here is the first in a series compiling what I consider to be the best of The Best.

  • I use the © symbol frequently, not because I’m insecure, but because it provides the illusion of validation to the dumb shit I type. ©2008GR
  • Sometimes it is fun to wonder: “How many people did I inadvertently piss off today?” The answer is often more than you would think.
  • Life lesson: Hubris killed most of my favorite characters in literature.
  • In a losing battle against the persistent wind, I’ve decided I will no longer fight it, but embrace it with my new hobby, kite-flying.
  • A bartender told me El Centro was populated by ex-strippers & other lost souls. I found the lost souls. Still looking for those strippers.

and my favorite…




Decorate My Fridge - the tumblelog

Hades and mints, in the interest of compartmentalizing my web life, I’m slowly but surely removing the videos I have posted on this site and placing them on my tumblelog, which is located at:

dmf.tumblr.com (warning: it’s a goddamn mess of a website with no proper navigation)

For now, decoratemyfridge.com and  decoratemyfridge.com/dmf take you to the same place, you know, for those of you who have trouble typing shorter urls. In the not-too-distant future, I’ll be reworking the actual site into something more fun.

G’blah will now be solely dedicated to boring things I write, create or otherwise provide commentary on. Conversely, things I want to steal from other sites without giving proper citation will now be featured on DMF. Got it? Excellent.

Now head over to DMF and watch Forklift Driver Klaus.




You & Me

This is old but it reminded me to start making more posts like this.




MEN